“I’m picturing the self-portrait on the easel, and you, the artist at work, looking directly at the camera with the expression of: ‘I did this.’”
David Bangley is a skilled photographer, and above all: a storyteller. I was on board with the vision immediately. I also quietly decided that it justified purchasing a fun pink jumpsuit, even though I primarily paint in a T-shirt and basketball shorts. Shhh.
In the studio, after the paintings and various light sources are fastidiously fastened into position, we got the shot within minutes–but the story it’s telling? That will be developing for a long, long time.
Photographer: David Bangley, 2022
“The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own… You realize that you control your own destiny.” -Albert Ellis
“I did this,” the artist’s expression says, as she paints the self-portrait.
What she is also saying: “I did all of this– the rational, the authentic, the harmful, the weird, and the total bullshit.”
What she is also saying: “You didn’t do this.”
What she is also saying: “Okay, some people and cultural narratives did do some things that have impacted this, but this is up to me now.”
“This is up to me now.”
The tyranny of the should
I couldn’t sleep the other night, so I ate a banana and started reading some of The Psychology Book (part of the “Big Ideas Series”), as one does.
Not every psychology article will captivate the 3am tired-but-not-sleepy brain but the one titled “Rational beliefs create emotionally healthy consequences” somehow snagged me.
According to Dr. Albert Ellis, said the article, the simple distinction between irrational thinking and rational thinking lies in whether or not the belief in question is ultimately helpful. “Irrational beliefs [are] illogical, extreme, damaging, and self-sabotaging.” (156) Meanwhile, rational thinking may acknowledge feelings such as sadness, frustration, or guilt… but “always allows room for optimism and possibilities.”
For example:
Irrational thinking: I need to be this one way, or I am bad/a total failure.
Rational thinking: I acknowledge feeling pressure to be this one way, but recognize that if I am not this way, it does not mean I am bad or a failure. I am free to be myself, and I am free to continue learning what that means.
Dr. Ellis’s conclusions about this, according to The Psychology Book, are influenced by German psychologist Karen Horney’s concept “the tyranny of the should.” Well well well, thought my 3am brain. A new favorite phrase.
I mean, it’s a powerful image: We become our own tyrant by upholding an ideal version of who we “should” be (based on who that teacher or relative or group said we should be)… because in doing so, we come to detest who we actually are… and never actually get to know her.
Alternatively, we can be peacemakers: We can accept who we are. Take the time to remove the mask and get to know her, and grant her grace as she progresses toward authentic goals. Rejoice at that miracle. Let it fill the cup and overflow outward when possible.
Heavens via Betsy
My health insurance provider granted us all 6 free counseling sessions last year–equal parts a privilege, the bare minimum, and something I’m deeply grateful for–and that’s how I met the kindest, least shouldy person in the world. She was the perfect companion and guide as I intentionally began the process of climbing out of my own guilt-ridden, people-pleasing, self-sabotaging chamber. We’ll call this unshouldy person Betsy.
Video appointments with Betsy looked like this:
- I would prepare one main topic I wanted to work through that day. In hindsight, I realize it often was my naming some irrational thinking, some “should” that had me in its grips for a while.
- I’d describe it to the best of my understanding, name the sources to the best of my memory.
- Then I’d state something along the lines of, “But I’ve noticed I am not that way” or “I’ve noticed that that doesn’t feel good” or “I’ve noticed I actually want/need _____”
- Betsy would say it back, “So you’ve noticed xyz,” a gentle validation I hadn’t known how desperately I needed.
From there, we would examine ways to move forward. Perhaps there were breathing exercises I could practice to improve my ability to respond to situations from a place of rational thinking instead of conditioned thinking. Sometimes I could seek out books and resources to fill in what I’d realized were harmful gaps in my education. There were conversations I could initiate. Boundaries to establish. But almost always, Betsy would propose a thought exercise along the lines of:
“What do you want to tell that part of you [that is holding onto this ‘should’]?”
One day, weak from the exertion it took to admit that a particular pattern was not at all good for me, I gave the answer I’ll leave you with: “I’d tell it that I understand how it’s been trying to protect me… but there’s a more authentic way to go about this… and it’s safe to try it now.”
“Write that down.”
.
.
.
.
Note: I am obviously not a clinical therapist, but I obviously advocate for it!
Sources:
DK; Joannah Ginsburg; Voula Grand; Merrin Lazyan; Marcus Weeks. The Psychology Book (Big Ideas) (p. 297). DK Publishing. Kindle Edition.
Horney, Karen (1950). Neurosis and Human Growth: The Struggle Toward Self-Realization. New York: W. W. Norton & Company, Inc. (1991 edition)