Someone I love, who’s in an older generation, asked me, “What exactly is Pride?” when she heard that I walked in the parade last week. I appreciated her curiosity and responded, “It’s… people owning who they are, and supporting each other in doing that.”
It struck me how simple that was. And how beautiful. And also heartbreaking, in that it’s born of necessity, this stubborn will of human spirits fighting against years of people and doctrine and law telling them to be something they’re not.
This painting was born admittedly out of some of that heartbreak (read also: rage at injustice) needing somewhere to go, but it alchemized quickly to hope:
There are people who love you and who will celebrate all of who you are. I repeat: There are people who love you and who will celebrate all of who you are.
Be that person to yourself, be that person to others, and surround yourself with those people. It’s needed, it’s sacred, it’s possible.
“I’m picturing the self-portrait on the easel, and you, the artist at work, looking directly at the camera with the expression of: ‘I did this.’”
David Bangley is a skilled photographer, and above all: a storyteller. I was on board with the vision immediately. I also quietly decided that it justified purchasing a fun pink jumpsuit, even though I primarily paint in a T-shirt and basketball shorts. Shhh.
In the studio, after the paintings and various light sources are fastidiously fastened into position, we got the shot within minutes–but the story it’s telling? That will be developing for a long, long time.
Photographer: David Bangley, 2022
“The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own… You realize that you control your own destiny.” -Albert Ellis
“I did this,” the artist’s expression says, as she paints the self-portrait.
What she is also saying: “I did all of this– the rational, the authentic, the harmful, the weird, and the total bullshit.”
What she is also saying: “You didn’t do this.”
What she is also saying: “Okay, some people and cultural narratives did do some things that have impacted this, but this is up to me now.”
“This is up to me now.”
The tyranny of the should
I couldn’t sleep the other night, so I ate a banana and started reading some of The Psychology Book (part of the “Big Ideas Series”), as one does.
Not every psychology article will captivate the 3am tired-but-not-sleepy brain but the one titled “Rational beliefs create emotionally healthy consequences” somehow snagged me.
According to Dr. Albert Ellis, said the article, the simple distinction between irrational thinking and rational thinking lies in whether or not the belief in question is ultimately helpful. “Irrational beliefs [are] illogical, extreme, damaging, and self-sabotaging.” (156) Meanwhile, rational thinking may acknowledge feelings such as sadness, frustration, or guilt… but “always allows room for optimism and possibilities.”
For example:
Irrational thinking: I need to be this one way, or I am bad/a total failure.
Rational thinking: I acknowledge feeling pressure to be this one way, but recognize that if I am not this way, it does not mean I am bad or a failure. I am free to be myself, and I am free to continue learning what that means.
Dr. Ellis’s conclusions about this, according to The Psychology Book, are influenced by German psychologist Karen Horney’s concept “the tyranny of the should.” Well well well, thought my 3am brain. A new favorite phrase.
I mean, it’s a powerful image: We become our own tyrant by upholding an ideal version of who we “should” be (based on who that teacher or relative or group said we should be)… because in doing so, we come to detest who we actually are… and never actually get to know her.
Alternatively, we can be peacemakers: We can accept who we are. Take the time to remove the mask and get to know her, and grant her grace as she progresses toward authentic goals. Rejoice at that miracle. Let it fill the cup and overflow outward when possible.
Heavens via Betsy
My health insurance provider granted us all 6 free counseling sessions last year–equal parts a privilege, the bare minimum, and something I’m deeply grateful for–and that’s how I met the kindest, least shouldy person in the world. She was the perfect companion and guide as I intentionally began the process of climbing out of my own guilt-ridden, people-pleasing, self-sabotaging chamber. We’ll call this unshouldy person Betsy.
Video appointments with Betsy looked like this:
I would prepare one main topic I wanted to work through that day. In hindsight, I realize it often was my naming some irrational thinking, some “should” that had me in its grips for a while.
I’d describe it to the best of my understanding, name the sources to the best of my memory.
Then I’d state something along the lines of, “But I’ve noticed I am not that way” or “I’ve noticed that that doesn’t feel good” or “I’ve noticed I actually want/need _____”
Betsy would say it back, “So you’ve noticed xyz,” a gentle validation I hadn’t known how desperately I needed.
From there, we would examine ways to move forward. Perhaps there were breathing exercises I could practice to improve my ability to respond to situations from a place of rational thinking instead of conditioned thinking. Sometimes I could seek out books and resources to fill in what I’d realized were harmful gaps in my education. There were conversations I could initiate. Boundaries to establish. But almost always, Betsy would propose a thought exercise along the lines of:
“What do you want to tell that part of you [that is holding onto this ‘should’]?”
One day, weak from the exertion it took to admit that a particular pattern was not at all good for me, I gave the answer I’ll leave you with: “I’d tell it that I understand how it’s been trying to protect me… but there’s a more authentic way to go about this… and it’s safe to try it now.”
“Write that down.”
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Note: I am obviously not a clinical therapist, but I obviously advocate for it!
Sources:
DK; Joannah Ginsburg; Voula Grand; Merrin Lazyan; Marcus Weeks. The Psychology Book (Big Ideas) (p. 297). DK Publishing. Kindle Edition.
Horney, Karen (1950). Neurosis and Human Growth: The Struggle Toward Self-Realization. New York: W. W. Norton & Company, Inc. (1991 edition)
It felt right to frame this in gold this week, but the original message painted itself about a year ago.
I know that because I’m writing this while sitting in the Midas waiting room during my car inspection.
A year ago, a mechanic walked into this same waiting room with an expression I’d only ever seen on doctor shows before, looking hesitantly in my direction, “Hi, are you the owner of the yellow Jeep?”
I stood. “Yes, hi….”
“I am so sorry… I hate to do this. Will you come with me?” I followed him into the garage.
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Diagnosis: I had been driving a Jeep with a frame that was rusting in several prominent spots for who knows how long. It would need some in-depth welding—if not a total frame replacement—to be safe enough to drive again.
And this, by the way, is how I’ve learned to catch myself in a pattern of self-abandonment:
A loud, physical “SOMETHING’S OFF” that forces me to finally recognize where the frame of my life is anything but solid, healthy, and sustainable.
Because if self-abandonment is in the foundation of something, it will not stand.
Read that again.
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A year ago, I was also a few months into a full-time job at a non-profit in Pittsburgh. Though hired as a childcare program assistant—a role I initially thrived in as I creatively supported kids through their pandemic-specific difficulties of online grade school—I gradually received lessening support and ever-increasing responsibilities. Oftentimes, I found myself alone in a loud windowless classroom of children with differing needs and grade levels but a similar urgency for my attention.
I’m tempted to say, “This happened over the course of a few weeks without my even realizing it” but in hindsight, I am aware that it actually happened over the course of a few weeks with numerous occurrences of my saying, “Oh okay, that’s fine!” before checking in with myself to see if was, in fact, fine. These are my rust spots.
One workday, I used the classroom phone to call the office of the brilliant, generous woman I was hired to assist. I asked if she could step away from her administrative tasks for a second to cover our classroom. This was so I could discreetly waltz into the donated toys closet, and let a nervous breakdown run its course.
“SOMETHING’S OFF.”
If you know, you know—I needed more than a second. It’s nearly impossible to stop the wave once it’s been given the space to move through you. Eventually I was able to shakily finish the day of work and drive home in my rental car, only to cry some more, and paint, talk, and feel it all out to completion.
To surrender. The quiet place where I listen to myself again.
Find divine guidance again.
Breathe.
I texted my boss, “Can we meet tomorrow before work?”
“Release” was painted during this time!
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I brought notes to the meeting, promising myself I would say exactly what I needed to say. How I was feeling, where I had over-agreed and actually required more support, and where I had ideas to improve the situation.
She listened, but said that with her other duties in the organization, she could not make any promises that circumstances would change.
I pulled away and took a deep breath.
She quickly affirmed how well I was doing and how much the kids appreciated me—which flattered me enough to nod and carry on. Rust spot.
So, nothing changed, except in the areas of my teaching quality and health (declining) and frequency of lunch breaks spent in stress tears (rapid incline). But everyone continued telling me I was doing so well.
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Meanwhile, my rusty Jeep.
The task before me a few nights later was to return the rental car and drive the Jeep, carefully, to its used car dealership of origin—45 minutes away—to undergo needed repairs.
I called my mom. “I can’t do it. I’m exhausted.”
“Okay. Can you at least return the rental? We’ll pick you up and you can take the Jeep in the morning.”
I agreed.
The drive to return the rental was under a pitch black sky, in pouring rain pounding like fifty snare drums at once, amongst bright lights reflecting off streaming water in all directions, on McKnight Road at rush hour.
Halfway there, I pulled over in an Aldi’s parking lot.
I closed my eyes, forehead on the steering wheel, and breathed, unsure if I had ever experienced this degree of sensory overload in my life.Eventually I gathered up enough mental stillness to finish the journey. And just barely.
Then my dad picked me up from the Enterprise and breezily suggested that I drive the Jeep to the used car dealership that very night so the repairmen could work on it first thing in the morning. I was stunned. Every cell in my body required me to admit, out of sheer survival, because this was a stubborn pattern and that’s what it took:
“Dad, with all due respect, that would be my literal hell.”
“Oh.”
My brother ended up driving the Jeep that night, and my dad drove out to pick him up.
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This event illuminated something important:
Driving 45 minutes in the dark in the pouring rain that night wasn’t everyone’s literal hell, but… that didn’t mean it was any less of one for me.
And that goes for a lot of needs and limits and priorities I’d been suppressing for months… and for years.
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I let the boys do what was easy and natural for them, and not being a martyr gave me the night off to dig deeper. To find that divine guidance again.
In the quiet, I remembered watching a TED Talk once on something called “The Highly Sensitive Person.” I re-watched it, then watched an entire movie on the subject (“Sensitive,” which to my great comfort features Alanis Morrissette), then read as many articles as I could, and ordered the book. Pieces fell into place. Good, sometimes difficult, pieces.
About 1 out of every 5 people has the High Sensitivity trait, according to the research of Psychologist Dr. Elaine Aaron. Highly Sensitive People, simply put, have an intensified experience of… everything. Their sensitive nervous system makes them more aware of subtleties in their surroundings, including lights, sounds, and the emotions of others. They’re natural “noticers.” And music moves them to a wonderfully excessive degree… but slightly less wonderful when, you know, generally speaking, an Adele song has them on the verge of crying in the smoothie shop. Generally speaking.
The trait lends itself to high creativity, empathy, and intuition. Also, because of the higher depth of processing, it makes HSPs more prone to overstimulation, and more in need of down time.
When the trait is honored, HSPs can thrive and share unique gifts. When the trait is not honored, but suppressed–which, in a hyper-masculine culture that celebrates toughness and action over sensitivity and rest, is too often the case–they are more prone to anxiety, low self-esteem, sickness, and burnout.
Everything written about the trait felt hauntingly familiar. I had always sensed (highly, you could say) there was something a little different in how I processed things. And for the first time, that difference was presented to me as a wholly valid way to be. It was that night that I began the long road of accepting that my sensitivity didn’t mean something was wrong with me. My “weakness” became my key.
And then, in the quiet, this essentially painted itself:
I stared at my sketch book. Did I? Could I? What would that look like?
What did living a life that honored my own needs and truest desires look like? One that looked not to what I thought “they” think I “should” do, but to what I know I need to do? One of zero self-betrayal? One of self-trust?
There, alone at a desk, with no voice weighing in but my own inner one, I let myself dream.
And it became increasingly clear what it would ultimately look like: Something creative and generous and healthy and original and true. Something that would make five year-old Ally simply glow. A life beyond my wildest dreams.
Fuck.
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It wasn’t all clear and linear after that. In my journal around that time, there are plenty of fervent prayers for “renewed job love.” After all, there were many good aspects of that season, and natural bonds formed between myself and the students, my boss, and my other colleagues at the non-profit. I still believed so much in the transformative work the organization was doing for the community.
Those prayers were indeed answered, but only in the weeks after I submitted my formal resignation letter. After that, I was free to do the best I could during the workday, then go home and build my website, research business requirements, paint, dream, and rest without guilt. Every step in the new direction flooded me with an energy I had forgotten was possible.
Well-intentioned people advised me to stay, some straight-up suggested I was making a mistake, and one colleague even said, “Don’t be overwhelmed!” which did not in fact “cure” my nervous system or make the job role suddenly healthy for me. My own conditioned and religious stories weighed in, because nonprofit work was seen as “good” and artistry as “indulgent.” My own conditioned stories of scarcity protested, even when I knew I had enough and would have enough.
But again and again and excruciatingly again, I trusted me.
Overall, the transition and good-bye were full of love.
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Today, the diagnosis for the Jeep is better: Things look sound for the most part, except for this one part of the frame where the welding is covered by a questionable amount of putty and another small area still showing need of repair.
This has been a year of repairing the rusty frame of my life, of finding the places built upon self-abandonment and letting them go so that something truer to me can take their place. It has been no quick and simple fix. There are times when I want to trade authenticity for external approval so badly. There are times when I’ve given into that. There are times when my intuition scares the hell out of me, so I outsource it and take bad advice. There are times when I want to hide or give up. There are times I want to say “Oh okay, that’s fine!” instead of leaning into a vulnerable conversation about boundaries, and how something isn’t actually fine for me. There are times of grief, even when whatever I am losing is something phony, unfit, and/or outdated for me. But today I walk within a life that feels more fulfilling, more vibrant, more connected, and more my own than ever. My nervous system has a lot more breathing room and my intuition has a lot more say. It is, in all honesty, even better than what I dreamt up a year ago.
And I know there are still parts to bring to the light. I don’t want putty and bandaids; I want healing.
So while it’s annoying on a practical level that I had to schedule yet another appointment for a welder to look at the Jeep… it’s satisfying on a poetic level that I’m doing so the day after I finally scheduled an appointment with a counselor.
The ongoing path of self-trust has been the most divine walk of my life. And because of this, I have vowed to give no more advice… only non-advice: Follow your inner knowing.
I saw this message spray-painted in the middle of my walk to the produce shop today.
“All men cry quietly.” All men cry quietly. All men cry. Quietly.
I continued on, still chewing on it when I passed it again on the way back down the hill.
It is March (again? Still?), and it is Women’s History Month. Because of this, and not despite it, I think “All men cry quietly” is a timely statement to unpack.
More and more I am realizing that feminism is only partly about biological makeup and its consequences in our society. Another key aspect of it is, in a more abstract, energetic sense, reclaiming anything subconsciously deemed “feminine and therefore bad”— “feminine and therefore lesser.”
Crying, or expressing emotions in general, for example. Sensitivity. Rest. Creativity. Wonder. Beauty. Vulnerability. Introversion. Nurturing.
I’m taking this moment to hype up all of it.
Devaluing these traits affects women, surely—personally, as a sensitive, introverted, creative person it took a shockingly long time to not feel shame for wanting a career a) that I loved and b) that didn’t burn me out– but who is purely masculine? Who is purely feminine? If we’re being perfectly honest… if we filtered out the population for those requirements… we’d be left with psychopaths and robots.
Feminism, then, is for all of us. While it absolutely says “get lost” to any notion that women need to be entirely feminine to be “good” (thank goodness, say my sportiness, boundaries, and ambition), it isn’t about women being entirely masculine either, and it surely isn’t about men being entirely masculine— because we need both parts of the equation. On an individual standpoint, we need hustle and action or nothing would happen, but we also need quiet and art and emotions or nothing would have meaning. No one would feel connected to themselves or each other.
We need this all to be “good,” because when it is all expressed, the resulting balance is so incredibly good. The masculine parts of you are good. The feminine parts of you are good.
We need humans. Finally allowed to be humans. And, for God’s sake (and I mean that), we need to stop de-valuing anything creative, compassionate, or emotionally healthy.
So, to all the men (and women who have also internalized that a rigid toughness is the only way to succeed in this world) I leave you with this: Feel free to cry loudly. I am here for you. It is normal and it feels really frickin’ good and I could probably use a good cry too.
May unity continue to be the name of the game, friends. Go forth and be.
This is another “I taught Kindergarten once” story, but I taught Kindergarten once and it was really amazing and also really hard at times. A few months in, I caught myself in countdown-to-the-weekend mode and that was the LAST thing I wanted to teach, or live.
So, I had a good cry about it, and then had an idea: add celebration to the middle of every week.
The final block of every Wednesday lesson plan, from there on out, was wholly dedicated to “Feliz Miércoles.” We made a giant card, grabbed the maracas and tambourines, and surprised one teacher or other staff member with a grand display of our appreciation.
So, today I say: What if we let Wednesday itself be a reason to send a card, shake a maraca, praise God, buy flowers from the supermarket, disrupt life a bit by celebrating it?I think it could change things. In fact, I know it could.
Happy Wednesday, friends.
“Even at High Tide.”
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
This image is a testament to that gentle, perpetual strength. May we trust that it will see us through, even at high tide.
I’ll get right to it: From now on, I’ll be giving my full-time side hustle (painting, writing, etc.) a bit more of a main seat at the table. Because, well, if I didn’t, I think when I meet my Maker, He’d say something along the lines of, “I love you… but you failed at being Ally.”
Hahaha SO, glory to God, I now officially sell works/fulfill commissions for profit as a sole proprietor, with 10% still benefiting Honduran families and Finca del Niño. This is a significantly more sustainable model that allows me to allot more time to my creative work! And more time for creative work means that each and every day is more fulfilling than ever. A little more of my artist story can be found here.
The website, as you may notice, has a new domain and some new features (a gallery of prominent paintings, a shop with many new products, a collection of prominent published writing, commission information, etc.!), but the blog remains unchanged. All posts can be found under the “Archives” tab under “Blog” on the left side menu.
Thank you so much who have been walking this journey with me!
“Pittsburgh Sunset.” 16X20” acrylic on canvas. 2020.
December 30, 2020
Left to my own devices, I’m on a bus, plane, train, boat, or road trip of sorts every couple of weeks.
I remember planning my 2020. Lol. I took the job at Panera last January not to eventually fund my artistic dreams (which is happening now, surreally enough) but to fund traveling… everywhere. Anywhere. Seeing everyone.
And now my big NYE plans are driving 20 minutes to play Bananagrams with the family and I’m so here for it. While I know the traveler within remains very much alive and well and will be rip-roaring ready to go when her day arrives… I gotta let something be said for being still. Experiencing every season again. Seeing Pittsburgh from some new angles, family and hometown friends and myself in freeing, more mature light. Giving my eyes time to adjust to all the rich complexities and hope waiting to be seen right here.
Excavating instead of traveling, if you will.
There is loss and ache in my backpack, surely, but that can’t stop me from noticing, and deeply loving, this remarkable view right here. And I have 2020–not my own devices–to thank for that.
“Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.” Proverbs 19:21
for this life itself, for the unique ticket to participate, for all of you being all of you, and for every unexpected depth of beauty that today can behold.
If I remain open to it. If I practice it like a song.
“The Lord has promised Good to me. His Word, my Hope secures.”
from “Amazing Grace” by John Newton, a hymn born of his conversion from a slave trader to an abolitionist/preacher, from blind to seeing, from hopeless to hopeful.
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Welcome back as we enter the final week of this series!
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Today’s contributors inspire us to reflect on the seeds of transformation God asks us each to plant–among the voices of “Why bother?” “Give up!” “That’s illogical,” “But that’s not the way it is,” “That’s strange,” “That’s impractical”– in our lives.
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May we remember today these seeds we planted in faith, and find the hope that resists digging them up when things don’t go as cleanly, as quickly, as planned. May we remember that breakthroughs are directly attached to our meantime, when we allow the seed to sprout and grow toward the surface, into some unexpected fruit, better than we imagined. Breakthroughs come when we realize we don’t need to know how to grow a plant… but just listen to the (wink) ludicrous loving whispers of the One who does. One now at a time.
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And what if hope, then, is the ever-increasing trust in that process? Won’t we all keep planting those seeds?
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“Where do you find hope?”
“For me, hope always seems to come from other people. In tough situations, I have seen so much resilience when people are faced with unbearable hardships and heartaches. Their determination to continue on, through those tough times gives me hope.
If people are willing and able to push through this, then together, we can push through anything.
On a more personal note, I think back to certain times in my life when I had been in situations where I had given up on myself- Where my weaknesses and failures that continuously swirled around my head tainted me- telling me that those failings were all I was made of. In those times, specific people in my life still saw me and loved me where I was at. Yes, they saw my failures and weaknesses, but they also saw all the good qualities about me as well- and that always provided hope to me through my own turmoil.”
Amanda Fahrendorf works at the Riverwest Food Pantry in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. She is passionate about meeting people right where they are, and fostering community in a world that so desperately needs it. She’s an artist, a hiker, a remarkable listener, a superb whistler, a very scary lava monster during Kindergarten recess, and a most genuine friend. In some of my most difficult hours as a teacher last year, God sent in Amanda with her encouragement, energy, and grace.
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“I first find Hope in my faith. My faith in Jesus is a major priority in my life and having a personal relationship with Jesus is especially important to me. I pray constantly, and when I pray, I must have faith in what I am praying for. By spending quality time with Jesus through prayer, I find hope in that Jesus hears my prayers, and that provides me comfort.
I also found hope from my mother. She provided a great example for me and gave me hope my whole life through her many sacrifices. Because of her vision for my life she helped prepared me for success, so I am hopeful that I can handle any situation that comes my way because of my mom’s prayers, love, and guidance.
My daughter provides me hope as well. She is one of my biggest blessings in my life, and I thank God for her. I am passing on the same knowledge to my daughter that my mom passed on to me, so my daughter will be ready and prepared for the pressures of this world. She provides me extra motivation to succeed, because I want to be able to provide a great life for her. I am hopeful that I will provide a good example for her on what a good father is, on how a man should treat a woman/lady, on what a good work ethic is, among other valuable lessons–so that when she gets older and has to make decisions, she will have a good blueprint to look back on. If I do a good job as her dad, I am hopeful she will make the right decisions.
I also find hope from my own athletic and coaching experiences. I played sports my whole life, so I understand teamwork and working hard towards a common goal. Coaching is about building relationships and teaching life lessons through sports. Of course I taught basketball skills and concepts, and that is why our players and teams were successful over the years, but one of the main things I was trying to do was teach life lessons through basketball… and even if some of our players did not fully understand some of those lessons while in high school, maybe one day when they get older, they will look back and say, ‘That is what coach was trying to teach us,’ and maybe some of those lessons we were trying to teach will be able to help them the rest of their lives as adults, and that gives me hope. I know the importance of sports, coaching and leadership, and the responsibility of adding value into other people’s lives.”
(Coach) Ron Moncrief is the Athletic Director at Saint Joseph High School in Natrona Heights, Pennsylvania. He coached women’s basketball at Vincentian Academy from 2005 to 2020, where his teams won back-to-back state championships in 2014 and 2015. Ron was named 2013 and 2014 Pittsburgh Post-Gazette North Basketball Coach of the Year, and the 2014 Pennsylvania Sports Writers (A) Coach of the Year. He is the author of Coaching from the Heart: The Greatest Untold Stories. I can attest: his authentic faith and love for others inspires his players to rise to more than they would otherwise dare imagine.
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“Every year, after our final shows, I ask the cast to choose quotes from the show which reflect a life philosophy or lesson. One by one, 2nd or 3rd or 5th graders stand up and reveal deep insights into human behavior, positive philosophies, and messages of love and hope they have gleaned from the show. Their choices and explanations reveal depth, insight, love and positivity far beyond their years. The hearts of our children give me hope.”
Karen Cordaro (aka “Mrs. C”) is an educator and the founder of ACT ONE Theatre School, which offers musical theatre programs for youth from Kindergarten through high school. She also wrote the script and co-wrote the lyrics for Sesjun (an internationally broadcast jazz program with Holland’s Metropolitan Orchestra), directed the Route 66 performance with the cast of The Bold and the Beautiful in Rotterdam, and has written for Paramount, among many other accomplishments in the field. I experienced firsthand how Mrs. C encourages her young students to take creative risks, celebrates their differences, empowers growth, nurtures an empathetic imagination, and lives out her motto “There are many ways to teach love.”
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“Hope springs forth from many sources for me. In the past, it was working with alumni and their families in doing service work around the community. Being able to lead such a genuine and kind group of people meant a lot and really shaped my college experience. Now, with the hustle and bustle of my 9-5, hope comes in different ways: texts and messages from old friends that feel like no time has passed at all, music that energizes me or helps me reflect, and spreading joy in the form of cheesy jokes every week. But most of all, hope comes from continuing to grow personally and seeing not only how my life is changing for the better, but how I am able to be a light for others.”
Justin Knobloch is an analyst at Digitas in Chicago, with side hustles including but not limited to: near-professional Latin dancing, curating dozens of playlists to suit your every mood and season under the pseudonym “Headphone Guy,” playing the guitar, drinking too much milk in Italian restaurants, and folding shapeshifting origami roses. Two times a year, he can be found fully costumed as Buddy the Elf. Once weekly, he can be found emailing his coworkers and friends a new collection of original puns. Daily, he can be found bopping to a good beat, confidently strolling along, and alchemizing authentic joy in all he encounters.
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“I find so much hope in children and teenagers (yes, teenagers). Kids and teens are seriously the best. My nieces, nephews, students, and little brothers and sisters at the Finca being me hope and call me to the work of giving all I’ve got to building up my little corner of God’s kingdom. Here are some favorite memories over the past few months: getting a FaceTime call from a student so that I could be a part of her grandmas 60th birthday party, seeing a very fantastic kiddo laughing hysterically over Bob books as she learned to read virtually, riding the waves on a ridiculous pineapple inflatable with my nieces and nephews, and knowing that my first class of students have beat numerous odds and graduated high school. I’m really wildly blessed to know children and teens who have shown me the heart of God- a heart that loves lavishly, unconditionally , and fills the world with laughter! If you need hope, be there for a kid in your life. Works every time.”
Anna Smith is a 3-5th grade Montessori teacher at Durant Tuuri Mott Elementary–a public school in Flint, Michigan that offers multiple specialized programs to suit its students’ unique needs. Upon graduating from Franciscan University, she taught middle school English and Religion De La Salle Elementary School, a Catholic school in Memphis (now Compass Binghampton Charter School) that serves primarily immigrant and refugee students. “Over 13 languages spoken in a student body of under 200!” she told me. From 2018 to 2019, she served as the Sub-Director and Special Education Director of Centro de Educación Básica Católico San Pedro at the Finca del Niño in Trujillo, Honduras. Anna is the loving and beloved “cool aunt” to her nieces and nephews, a strong woman of faith who lets God make a way in places others might write off, an angelic vocalist who can harmonize anything, and a top meatball chef.
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“I take hope to the ability to imagine a better world – more loving, more just – than the one we currently reside in.
Hope is necessary in my work as an addiction recovery coach. It is necessary for the recoverees because recovery is impossible without the ability to imagine, even if fleetingly and incompletely, a life of sobriety. One of the things strong drugs do when taken frequently is rewire the neurons in the brain into a closed circuit of drug-seeking thought. Not much else gets in. So when someone in active addiction simply imagines sobriety, that alone is a victory.
Hope – as distinct from optimism – is also necessary for the recovery coach. Optimism expects things to turn out well; hope is just thankful when they do.
So what gives me hope? The small victories of my recoverees. One got high, spent all the money he was saving to move out his parents’ house, wrecked his car, and lost his job. A day or two later, he called to meet with me. The fact of this call meant that he had not given up on himself. That gave me hope. For six months, I have been trying to convince another recoveree to go to inpatient rehab because outpatient has not worked (he keeps getting high when he has too much free time on his hands). Today he is taking a Greyhound bus to a six-month treatment center. Even though he bailed after one day because he was anxious the last time he tried inpatient treatment, his taking the bus today gives me hope.
In addictions work, there is no victory too small to celebrate, and when we celebrate it is for a hope fulfilled, even a hope seemingly as insignificant as a person getting on a bus.”
Todd Whitmore is an Associate Professor of Theology and Anthropology at the University of Notre Dame. He is the author of Imitating Christ in Magwi: An Anthropological Theology, which he wrote upon traveling to northern Uganda and South Sudan from 2005-2013. In 2018, he wrote a successful grant to train addiction recovery coaches to work in the local hospital emergency room, to support those recovering from overdoses to maintain ongoing sobriety. He is currently a Certified Addiction Peer Recovery Coach for persons with methamphetamine and opioid addictions in northern Indiana. His work–and his ability to articulate its inspiration in lectures and writings–is a vivid example of the modern-day, living hope of Christ in our world.
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Thank you so much to everyone who has contributed–in writing, reading, talking, sharing, living, or all of the above–to this HOPE: a gathering place series. You have inspired me and an exponential amount of others more than you will ever know. Your seeds are producing fruit in ways you could never imagine.
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The image at the top of this post is the one I want to leave you with after these four weeks. The vision I had from the beginning: flickering candles coming together from all over, a brief moment in time, creating a bonfire, and then going forth each more blazing than before… to pass it on.
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Look around, look within: don’t you see them burning?
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I declare it: God is working in your life, in my life, in our world. We have glimpsed His promises. We will know the next good step in our participation, we will plant the seeds and trust there’s a reason. We will be renewed.
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And we will discover HOPE, again and again, against all odds.
“When historians pick up their pens to write the story of the 21st century, let them say that it was your generation who laid down the heavy burdens of hate at last and that peace finally triumphed over violence, aggression, and war. So I say to you, walk with the wind, brothers and sisters, and let the spirit of peace and the power of everlasting love be your guide.”
Photo taken at the 2015 UNOSDP International Sport and Social Impact Summit, where youth leaders from 30+ countries united in a singular, hopeful cause. (Read on for Johana’s story!)
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Welcome back, friends!
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Things look different today. This morning, as I was sipping coffee, looking out into this sleepy Pittsburgh alley, and reading Discerning the Voice of God by Priscilla Shirer (shout-out to Kaliyah for the recommendation!) I was reminded of one of the most powerful prayers in the game:
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“Lord, open my eyes to see where you are working.”
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That’s the incredible gift of this project: this very opening of the eyes, this ongoing discovery of where God has worked, is working, and will work in the lives of us all, nationwide, worldwide. It is seeing, one step at a time, how we are each called to participate in that work in our own way. I know I’m not the only one continually baffled by this!
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So, as we enter week three of this exploration in HOPE, I pray we all keep our eyes WIDE open. ♡
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“Where do you find hope?”
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“I find hope in remembering.
Remembering how God has provided for me in the past. In places where I don’t feel hopeful, I look back and remember the times that He has provided people to give me that hope, who showed me in difficult situations that I can find my hope in the Lord.
I find hope in looking back and seeing the growth from before to now, and seeing that there’s hope for change. That there will be joy and goodness amidst the struggle, or the being stuck, or whatever it might be.
I find hope in remembering my own life, in looking at the Bible, and at the stories of the saints and all who have gone before us. I find hope particularly in building relationship with young people and young leaders.”
Olivia Frahm has worked in Catholic youth ministry for the past five years. Currently, she works at the Catholic Youth team in Christchurch, New Zealand as the mission team supervisor, leading a team of four young women as they go into colleges and run retreats, camps, and youth groups. From 2018 to 2019, Liv was a librarian, English teacher, and after-school program coordinator at the Finca del Niño in Trujillo, Honduras. Her hidden talents are soulful belting of “I Won’t Give Up,” making soup that burns your mouth but is so good you aren’t mad about it, animating a Kiwi bird puppet to appear “de verdad,” and inspiring anyone close to her to live a more deeply rooted, and authentic life.
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“If HOPE is a belief that ‘something wanted or desired will happen,’ how does that feeling visit different communities and the individuals within? Hence it is at least a conundrum if not a complex irony to consider the question, ‘where do I find hope?’
Some find hope everywhere they look, though primarily because their ability to HOPE is an inherited ideal, one of their many unearned privileges.
Hope being something we desire happening isn’t necessarily a universal desire. I’m hoping for rain on the day you hope for sun. Perhaps if more people unpacked HOPE as an acronym, “Help Others, Provide Energy” I would feel less guilty hoping. Conversely, I unpack hope actively instead of passively. My identity as an able-bodied, cis-gendered, socio-politically situated man born without any ailments, physical and/or mental constraints in most of the pertinent categories of my identity allows me this advantage. Hence, my ability to hope and have my hopes achieve an unfettered fruition is an easy thing to miss if I’m not mindful of it.
I don’t have to hope to one day be able to demonstrate my love publicly as opposed to having my love closeted, regimenting me to a lifetime of loving privately, clothed in shame.
I’m able to walk unimpaired towards the possibility of hope, talk intelligently about my expectations of having hope. Seldom has anyone balked at my ability to hopefully walk and talk, though my race/my Blackness makes it more probable that I could end my life outlined in chalk.
Someone can hope for their paychecks fatter while others must hope that eventually their lives, though they are Black, may nonetheless matter.
Though I was fortunate enough that my family transcended poverty while I was in my childhood, serving me invaluable lessons about appreciating what was on my plate not having been an option for others, or the ‘Other,’ it is a fleeting thought that requires mindful vigilance for me to not lose it.
Many people’s hopes are inseparable from whatever luck they have experienced, oblivious of the fact that luck is nothing if not the residue of preparation. All that said, where I find hope is in the eyes, conversation, or actions of someone who struggles with hoping only for themselves and instead invests their hope in the wellbeing of others and then works towards actualizing it.“
Dr. J.W. Wiley is currently a full-time writer, with a novel published in 2019 titled, An Academic Lynching: Myth, Misandry, and Me, Too,” and an academic book published in 2013 titled, “The NIGGER in You: Challenging Dysfunctional Language, Engaging Leadership Moments,” and a consultant with his company Xamining Diversity. From 2000-2018 Dr. Wiley served as a professor of Philosophy and Interdisciplinary studies at State University of New York Plattsburgh, where he also was the Chief Diversity Officer, and the Director for the Center for Diversity, Pluralism, and Inclusion (CDPI). Dr. Wiley was co-writer/co-director of the documentary “Dissed-Respect: The Impact of Bullying,” He is also a traveling lecturer, and his talk on “Examining the Dimensions of Cool” at Notre Dame in 2016 was extremely formative in my earliest days of questioning how the notions of “haves” and “have-nots” play out in our culture—and how we can unpack these forces and work to change them. Dr. Wiley is, above all, an agent of hope, a beacon of wisdom shining away shadows of ignorance and apathy in the minds of all whom his messages reach.
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“My hope is found in God through Jesus Christ! It is through Jesus’ death on the cross for my sins and His resurrection that I no longer wander aimlessly, unsure of where my hope lies. I have assurance that whatever happens in this life, my eternity rests with God our Creator who loves and cares for us. It is the only hope that never fails and never changes. This Truth brings peace to my heart and soul through the trials and uncertainties of this life!
‘…and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.’ -Romans 5:5″
Dayelle Metras of Kansas City is one of the most empathetic people I have ever met, as she will meet someone exactly where they are in one moment—cry with them, pray with them, make them feel wholly heard and loved—and then will go on to make them laugh so hard they cry even harder. This makes her an incredible friend and an incredible nurse. Her dancing skills—salsa, punta, toe-tapping, she does it all!—will leave you awestruck, and her love for Jesus will leave you better than she found you.
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“‘Where do you find hope?’
For a Christian, this response can be easier to give—as hope makes our faith make sense.
In my life I have had highs and lows, but never have I been without hope for a better tomorrow.
I’ve known hope since I was small. I was very insecure as a child. I had speech problems. But I always sought help to work through this, and I always believed in myself. I always knew hope, that the sunshine will come out after a gray day.
When I was around 17 I began to see more attentively the problems of my country (Honduras), how many young people were breaking the law or in gangs all around me, and how this number was increasing. I knew how to help, but I knew it would be difficult work.
Yet, I have always liked to do things that challenge me as a person. I’ve always had hope, and the confidence that I am able to give more than I am.
When I was 18, I began volunteering in a prevention center that helped these vulnerable young people in my area. I began giving classes in Basic English, computation, and crafts. For four or five years, more or less, my daily routine was to go to my own school in the morning, and teach these classes in the afternoon.
Was I tired? Yes. But truly I felt that I was doing something positive for my country, and this was gratifying.
I was 21 when, due to my work at the center, I was selected to travel to the United States for a United Nations summit for young leaders. I never lost the faith as I was applying for this trip (As I said, I like a challenge!), and I had people surrounding me with so much support.
And there, in that place, my perspective of service work changed. I understood that God gives us a small piece of the world in which we live, and that the world is huge—and we can each do something wherever we are to make a better world. There were so many young people united there for this very cause. The love for a better world was there, concentrated in that place.
I returned to my country with a bigger heart for serving, wanting to help all those in need. I had discovered that the choice to serve, to be a volunteer, is a decision I can practice every day of my life—such as helping someone cross a street or assisting my neighbor when they need something. This type of work is a lifestyle, the hope of helping create a better world.
When I was 22 years old I decided to study law—in a country where it almost seemed like laws didn’t exist. That’s the irony of life! But hope lives on. People will say that being in a lawyer in my country will be the death of me (or crueler things than that!), but no one knows the amount of hope I find in this career. It is a noble job, as good lawyers are guardians of the earth!
I currently have a job with the government, so life is still ironic, because honestly I never thought I’d be where I am. But I like what I do, I try to go the extra mile, and hope that I can leave a positive footprint in my workplace. Doing this work is something I am proud of. I work for my country, with the faith and the hope of giving my tiny grain of sand so that this country has a better future.
And now, a cherry on top. In 2016, I was in a season of heartbreak and said, “One day I will know love…the love Mom and Dad have taught me for more than twenty years.” And today at age 25, more secure and authentic than I was before, I am sure that I have found the love of my life.
So, hope has been in every stage of my life. I am a very happy young woman because I understand that everything God does is good, and everything that God allows is necessary. God gives us hope, in sickness and tribulations. He promised the rainbow after the rain. He promised us hope.
Hope lives in every step we take. Despite the situation, hope always must be our best ally.
Hope is a reason to keep going forward.
Hope is for the living.
Hope is you.”
(translated)
Johana Cortes is currently studying Law in San Pedro Sula, Honduras, alongside her fiancé Gabriel. I had the honor of befriending her in 2015 for the UN camp in Florida (when my Spanish/Honduras knowledge was very minimal!) and reconnecting with her four years later in her hometown in Honduras, when I could thankfully talk about more than her favorite animal and the weather, and thus hear more of her story. Love for God and for others emanates from Johana, and her testimony of hope can remind us all of our little missions to tend to our small plot of the world.
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Going forward, may our eyes stay open to the work of God, may we walk with the wind toward building a better world in our pedacito of the world, and may “the spirit of peace and the power of everlasting love be your guide.” Have a hope-fueled week, everyone.
